Understand
by talking-eye
Summary: Post 3.16. Cristina and Burke. Burke's view about his relationship. Originally posted on MTC.


A/N: MTC is my writing playground. I would have done much better had I taken Cristina's perspective, but I want something different... -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Preston Burke never thinks there're so many things he can't understand.

Well, of course there are a few things, such as why he always feels weak and silly when he's with his Mama; why Cristina, unlike other women, loves neither diamond nor roses.

Those aren't small things, but Burke knows that some day he'll find a way to deal with the two women he loves most dearly in life.

Death, that one is different. It's big and bottomless in itself. It's something Burke has witnessed day after day as a surgeon. He's saved people from death, he's announced death, he's even been close to dying on the pavement himself.

For someone who's so familiar with death, Burke feels ashamed how little he understands how it feels to see a loved one die.

Well, to a certain extent he does. Every time he thinks about his music hero Eugene Foote, whom he failed to save, his heart hurts a little.

But it's different. It's the death of someone he admires, not someone he can't live without. Eugene has taught him the importance of practice and the spirit has become part of Burke's own wisdom of life.

Losing someone he loves, someone he needs as much as he needs oxygen, is not the same.

Burke is a big man and he isn't afraid of too many things, but as the Chief yells in desperation, the calm front Burke's trying hard to preserve is rapidly disintegrating.

Burke's heart is overcome by a feeling of fright and dread. He's too scared to look through the window to see the distraught face of Derek's. He's too scared to think about how Cristina will react to it.

It's Ellis Grey's little girl—Burke knows that. They all know how much Richard Webber has loved the woman, and thus the little girl as well.

It's Cristina's _person_—Burke has been told that 10 times today already. If the Chief can get that hysterical because of his ex-girlfriend's daughter, how much worse would it be for Cristina, who's been treating Meredith like a sister?

There's no room for jealousy or grudge as he slowly lets go of the oxygen pump.

Burke doesn't define friendship the way Cristina does, but it feels wrong to be jealous of Meredith for being Cristina's person. It's wrong to be jealous especially now that she's dead.

He has failed Cristina. He's broken the promise of letting Cristina tell Meredith about the engagement first and now he's going to break Cristina's heart by pronouncing death.

Feeling his chest tightened, Burke is standing still as a statue.

He and Cristina are too different.

She lost her father as a child, and now she's losing her best friend. Burke's never really lost anyone.

She has a best friend whom she would confide in, whom she seems to trust more than she trusts him. Burke's had a handful of best friends in college, but there's never been anyone in the world whom he'd feel safe to disclose everything with, not even his mother, nor Cristina.

Holding back.

That's exactly what he's been doing. The realization makes him swallow hard.

Burke's always wanted to trust himself more than others. He's always wanted to suffer alone, if suffering is warranted.

At the height of their intimacy, there're still things Burke doesn't know where or how to get off his chest. The more he pushes Cristina to open up, the more he's actually trying to conceal how little he's willing to share.

Maybe that's why he's jealous, because Cristina, at the core of her cold reservation, still has a special someone she is ready to treat as a confidante. And he's worried that he can never find someone like that if Cristina's already had Meredith at heart.

The self-understanding startles him, but there's no time to continue that thought when Cristina rushes in and screams, "try again!"

It isn't the scream that pains him. It's the fact that Cristina's emotions still seem to be under control. It's a command, not a plea. It's like an ultimatum—_try again or I'll never forgive you._

Not knowing what to do, Burke takes a deep breath before dragging Cristina towards Meredith's body by the hand.

Burke expects Cristina will say or do something. Instead, Cristina takes him by surprise when she turns to hug him tightly and says, "I want her to be jealous. Save her so that she can be jealous."

Withdrawing his hand above Cristina's head before getting a chance to touch her, Burke's eyes soften as he looks intently at his fiancé as she swings the door open and leaves.

Meredith will live, so will their relationship.

There'll always be things he can't understand, but he'll try, again and again.  



End file.
